Day 12...
The last few days I have seen some things and felt some things that I didn't even know what to do with. I have felt disgusted with myself, my attitude and my complaints. Living here only 12 days, God has already started to dig up some things in me that are ugly. As they are coming to the surface I know they will get pruned, which is also a painful process because they are things I hold on to for comfort. And to let go of them means I lose that comfort.
I was reading this morning in Isaiah 35… and there was a line that brought up a memory from the other day. It said:
Isaiah 35:5 ~ "And when He comes, He will open the eyes of the blind and unplug the ears of the deaf."
The other day I was sitting on a chicken bus going somewhere and I was in a mood because I was hot from walking so much, I was hungry from not eating or drinking much that day, I was hurting because my knees were crunched against the back of the seat in front of me… and then a man got on the bus with a bowl to ask for money… he had no eyes, none what so ever.
Now I have a REALLY hard time getting on and off those buses and I HAVE eyes… I couldn't imagine being blind and having to get on and off those buses asking for money so that I can eat, so that I can live. I get nervous walking down the street and crossing the road… and I have eyes. This man must have an incredible amount of faith to get up and get from place to place each day.
That's only the start of it… I have felt so discouraged because I have to rely on others to get me places when I need to go further than the town I live in.
I don't feel comfortable going on the buses by myself, so I ask someone to come with me. Or if I need to go grocery shopping for bigger items than I can carry by myself down the street, then I have to ask my friend to drive me. I've felt so limited in what I can do. Not to mention the language barrier. At home I can do what I need to do by myself, when I need to do it.
I was walking in the market the other day and saw a man in a wheelchair with a colostomy bag sitting on his lap, with blood, and urine so dark that he must have been extremely dehydrated. He also had a mask over his face, obviously so sick and couldn't move by himself. There was a man standing behind his chair asking for money, and although part of me thought the guy standing was using this disabled guy as a prop to make money (which might be the case), I couldn't help but think how much the disabled man had to rely on this other man to live.
I have legs…I have a body that functions… I need to check my attitude when it comes to things I'm experiencing lately. There are children wondering the streets with little toes, hands and faces so dirty as though they haven't bathed in months, that even when you wash their feet, the dirt remains. And I'm complaining when I don't have a clean towel to wipe my feet dry after having a HOT shower…everyday. I understand that these people grew up this way, and I didn't, so being put in this lifestyle is like being a fish out of water. But there is a purpose for me here. And it's not only for me to share the Gospel, but for God to pull to the surface the things that He wants to change in me too, so that when people look at me, they see Jesus, and not me.
There is such a huge need here that sometimes I feel like I can't even make a difference. But with God, I hope to make a difference in even one persons life while I am here.
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