Healing in brokenness

Today I went to the TB's meeting at 7am. It's a group of women that meet once a month eager to hear Gods word. Each month we have had the privilege of listening to amazing people like Lysa TerKeurst, Kelly Hubatka, Amy Corbett, Faith Hill. Today we had Lisa Shea. I had no idea what I was in for with Lisa, she talked about Spiritual gifts & I was somewhat guarded but open to listening. I was guarded because I was still on the fence about some of them, she calls them the "uncomfortable spiritual gifts" Things like prophecy, speaking in tongues, healing, & so on. Even though they are mentioned in the bible, you don't hear of them too often in our day. But God still gives these gifts to people. We just hide them because we are too embarrassed of what people will think. Lisa said "When God gives us gifts & we choose not to open them, it grieves Him. He doesn't give them to us FOR US...He gives them to us for others! So that others can see Him through us & have hope."

Well as guarded as I was in the beginning of the meeting, by the end I was balling like a baby, snot running down my nose, tears that I couldn't stop & I felt embarrassed sitting in a room full of women, completely broken without being able to hold it together...AT ALL. To be vulnerable with you for a minute, I have been fighting to get out of a slump. I feel like I have been stuck in a hole for a long time, empty, drained, hardly any energy & just couldn't muster up the strength to get out. I had tried climbing out with all my might & kept falling back in, only digging myself in deeper by pulling all the dirt on top of me. It's a daunting place to be when you feel like you are in a hole & can't get out yourself. 

Isaiah 41:10

"So do not fear, for I am with you, do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

When people around you are saying "Speak it & you'll believe it"  or "go through the motions till you get it back" It just feels more like I'm trying positive self talk to give myself a kick in the rear n get back on track...sometimes that helps, this time it didn't. I had nothing I could say to myself that was helping; no sermon I could preach to myself in the mirror, nothing I could read that was helping; no scripture, no self help book. There was nothing I could DO that was helping, nothing anyone could say to me & no amount of worship music that I sang at the top of my lungs helped. I went to Church every week, I read scripture every morning, I would pray, I would cry...nothing.  I asked my Pastor the other day how he handles it when he isn't feeling it and still has to bring a message to the people every week? He said to me:

"God's truth is still Gods truth, even when you're not feeling it..."

I thought about that for a couple days. It's true, didn't get me out of the hole...but it reminded me that God is faithful, He won't leave me or forsake me, that this is just a season & I will be out of it eventually.

But God :) (My two favorite words) did something amazing this morning... Lisa prayed for people to be released from a crushed spirit...that's where I lost it. I have had such a heavy heart, crushed spirit, stuck soul & not known what to do to get out of it. I have been struggling big time. I had times where I would seek God with everything I had & thought I'd got back on track...and then the heaviness would hit me with a vengeance. It still may...but I feel differently about it this time. I finally felt like this morning broke something in my spirit. There is healing in being completely broken. I am grateful. I'm not sure how God quite heals a spirit... but He does. If someone asked me, I couldn't tell them how. But I just experienced it. His ways are higher than my ways... I will not understand how, when or why He does things...but I'm grateful. 
 I thought that maybe I am going through this at such an extreme measure so that when I hit something tough later down the road I can remember this time & REMEMBER that God IS faithful. I can then pass that hope to others who are struggling. He IS faithful, always has been, always will be. He doesn't change. 

I'm sure there will be ebbs & flows of this season. There is a lot of things God is working out in me where He has only recently scratched the surface. But I will remember that He is faithful & no matter what I'm going through, He will be with me through it, He has purpose in it, & for it...He will not waste it. 

Hebrews 10:23

"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess for He who promised is faithful"