I realize (and have realized MANY times before, but somehow keep coming back to this) that I sometimes put so much expectation on my self and set the bar so high by comparing myself to others, or by looking way out into the future & thinking I need to be "there" now. (Which, in running my organization is a gift of vision. In my personal life it's a curse of perfection) I look at those around me & all they have accomplished & expect myself to be at their caliber of expertise. Then try to live like them, get frustrated & beat myself up when I get overwhelmed, can't do it & fail. That doesn't do anything but make me want to not bother trying at all, EVER! When in actual fact, what I'm doing is trying to live a life far past the work God has done in me. That causes the feeling of "being fake" because I am not truly being who I AM in Christ. I am too busy trying to be like someone else, or too focused on putting on a front of who others think I "should be" as a Christian. In reality, I'm just not there yet. Yes God has done some amazing things in my life, I'm not where I used to be... But I'm also not where I'm going to be either.
Isaiah 43:18
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There is much work to be done in all of us & we don't help that process by looking back & staying stagnant in our feelings of never being good enough, never living up to certain expectations (that goodness knows WHO sets for us.)
Its OK to strive to be the best we can be, put our best foot forward & walk in faith that God can overcome our sin & bad habits. But it aint gonna happen overnight. We will always sin to some extent; we are human, not Jesus! Don't allow that to cause you to put on a show and live as someone you are not in an empty shell in order to please whoever you are standing in front of. Put your mess on the table & allow Jesus to work through it, pulling out the good parts that can be restored & getting rid of the things that don't do us any good. Then it's your choice to "get up and walk" forward, or stay & wallow in it. I am sometimes reluctant to be vulnerable & spend those times with Jesus where He wants to work out my junk...because it's not easy; its downright heart wrenching & exhausting. But the end result is worth it.
Depending on the situation it's not always about cutting something out of your life altogether either; that would be doing it in your own strength. Its learning to live with it and using that struggle to push you towards Christ & allowing him to mold you and shape you so that your responses come directly from a heart restored by Him & eventually your responses will be sincere & those things that you once struggled with, will fall away. Then, you will look back & realize that you are becoming a new creation in Him.
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