Being vulnerable & lessons learned!

Sometimes the way in which we are walking completely takes a turn to a place we never thought we'd be again. We think God is doing one thing and we are happily walking towards that and then He completely flips it. As Graham Cooke once said "God is consistent in nature, and yet completely unpredictable."

I'm not one to share my "stuff" unless it's with those closest to me. Because being vulnerable is scary AND yet extremely important. I think sometimes there is a purpose in why God allows us to go through things, not just for ourselves, but to share with others in hopes that it would encourage them to keep on walking.

So, here is a little back story and what I have learned from this past season of my life.

I was in a relationship with someone for a couple of years, who I thought I was going to marry. We even went to look at rings at one point and talked about leaving my life here to move. Which in itself was scary as it reminded me so much of my past- But I trusted God and was willing to walk straight into what I feared because I wasn't about to let fear defeat me.

We ended up breaking up, we still loved each other and so proceeded to be in this messy, uncommitted, back and forth of I don't know what, acting like we were in a relationship but never having the "title".

I felt completely unsafe with that, it was extremely unhealthy, and maybe I stayed in that season far longer than I should have. 

I tried to close the door myself many times, but it remained open.

Revelation 3:8
"I know all the things you do, and I have opened a door for you that no one can close. You have little strength, yet you obeyed my word and did not deny me."


Sometimes we end up in situations that don't make sense, we try to close the door ourselves and it doesn't work…so we wait, learn and trust God in the midst of it.

The funny part about it was for those looking on, I'm sure they wondered what the heck I was doing, as did I at times. But those closest to me knew I was seeking the Lord wholeheartedly during this time and I felt like I was supposed to stand through it until God closed the door. Last week, He did just that. And I am grateful, hurting, but grateful... and expectant.

Levi Lusko said "Hurting with hope still hurts."

It's true… I have hope, but I still hurt. And that's OK.

This is a hard season, but usually the hard seasons reap the greatest harvest.

God doesn't do anything without a purpose and when He says the season is done, it's done. 
But that doesn't mean the whole year is over- I felt like He wanted me to stand every time I wanted to run. There is a reason for that and valuable lessons to be learned.
When God removes something from your life, He is creating room for something far greater! 
It's a new season!  Isaiah 43:19 says: 

"See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland."

It's not over… God is doing a NEW thing… 

But before I move on, I think it's good to look back and learn from the past season.

Here are a few things I learned about myself and I hope they help you when you find yourself at the end of a chapter about to walk into a new one.

I sit back and ask myself "Would I do anything differently?"

My answer is, no...

Yes, sometimes I think "ugh, I feel like such a fool- I should have walked away a long time ago."

And I sometimes have thoughts that there must be something wrong with me because I don't seem to have very good luck in the men department - what am I doing wrong? :)
Then a friend said to me "That's not true, remember who you are."

When I look back through the past 4 years - God brought to mind who I USED to be before I started walking with Jesus 7 years ago.
He reminded me of how uncommitted I was in relationships.
How unwilling I was to say sorry.
How afraid I was to work through hard things, or stick it out when it got tough.
How I would allow someone else to define me.
How I would never be willing to be vulnerable and communicate…
and then He reminded me of who I am NOW.

I learned… to seek God when I didn't know what to do.

I learned… that I am committed.

I learned... that I love deeply.

I learned... to trust God even when I doubted a person.

I learned... to work through some hard stuff and not run away.

I learned... to love well.

I learned... to encourage and invest even when it was hard to and I didn't feel like it.

I learned... to forgive.

I learned... to say I'm sorry, and really mean it.

I learned... to apologize for my side and to be a peacemaker.

I learned... to not allow someone else's struggles to bring me down- but to encourage them and lift them up instead.

I learned... to communicate, even when it's hard.

I learned... when to pray through it or talk about it.

I learned... to persevere.

I learned... how to respect even when the person wasn't showing behavior worthy of respect.

I learned... to love unconditionally.

I learned... that I'm loyal to a fault with the wrong person, but with the right person that will be a strength because I will always fight FOR it to work.

I learned... that someone else's actions and words are not a reflection of me or my heart, but their own decisions and their heart.

I learned... that I am still worthy and valuable even if the person walking away doesn't see that value.

I learned... that I know WHO ( and whose) I am and what doesn't work for me.

I learned... that I really do like who I am and the person Jesus has created me to be.

I learned... that I have integrity, I have a strong character, I'm honest, I'm trustworthy, I'm willing to have difficult conversations, and I love genuinely. I have struggles and I don't do things perfectly, but I'm willing to say sorry when I don't do it well and learn from it. I now know that with God, I can handle it and work through anything.

And I now know what I DO want.

I am expectant, hopeful and I KNOW who my God is… He has blessed me with more than I could ever ask or imagine and I don't doubt that this next season of my life will be any different!!! 

He is my protector AND my provider. He is that for you too! Worship Him in the middle!

Good seed is in the ground!

Psalm 85:12

"The LORD will indeed give what is good, and our land will yield its harvest."

I'm ready for the harvest!

Hillsong: EVEN WHEN IT HURTS