I feel stuck...

I feel so stuck right now. It's like something inside of me wants to come out, but can't.

Can I be honest for a minute?… 

I feel stuck because I feel fenced in by the ministry that I started 4 years ago. 

I have no desire for it anymore, and haven't for a long time. That's a daunting place to be. Because I love the vision, I love what we get to do for people and I want to finish strong, push through the resistance, serve the Lord and make it happen, and yet when I do I just wear myself out. 

I admitted it once last year to the board, and then tried to push through again, and again, and again. I continued with a smiley face like everything was OK, when really, it's not.

I've tried to "go through the motions" and "fake it till you make it" and push through resistance for a good year now, and I feel like I'm doing it all by myself. It's like forcing something forward that doesn't want to move forward... or trying to push a wheelbarrow full of 10 ton bricks…  or even trying to push your hands underneath a house to lift it, thinking it will move… Feels impossible and it's just plain exhausting. And at some point you're so tired of getting nowhere, you just slide to the ground and give up.

But what God gave as a blessing was not meant to be carried as a burden.

So what do you do when it is?

-Let it go?

-Keep pushing?

-Move things around?

-Try yet another a new strategy?

-Look for someone else to run it?

I want to let it go, but I don't want to be a failure.

I want to let it go, but I don't want to quit on something if God had so much more in store with it.

I want to let it go, but I don't want to miss out.

I want to let it go, but what will people think?

I want to let go, but I don't want to disappoint people who have invested in it.

People will say "You can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens you." Right, and I believe that… but I apparently haven't tapped into that strength when it comes to this. There are other areas in my life that I have felt God strengthen me to do the task at hand, but not with this lately. I have a servants heart, and yet I have no desire to serve with this anymore. I try to remind myself "The greatest resistance is before the biggest breakthrough." But when is the breakthrough gonna come? I only have so much left in me to push.

Gods words says that He gives you the desires of your heart. I believe wholeheartedly that He gave me the desire to start this 4 years ago. But what do you do when the desire is gone and all the praying in the world doesn't bring it back?

I love one piece of it, cutting hair and seeing the light in people's eyes and their whole demeanor change when they walk out.

But the other 90% (managing, planning, books, taxes, keeping up with renewals, website, events, projects, mail, making the decisions, running the board, getting people to volunteer, appreciating the donors and volunteers, keeping everyone connected and involved, trying to figure out what the next step is when everything falls apart or when nothing is working.) that stuff makes up 90% ...and that stuff is not pleasing to me and I sure as heck don't believe that the way I do it is pleasing to God either, because I don't do it very well. It's not my sweet spot. Don't get me wrong, it's been an accepted challenge that I have pushed through for the past 4 years and I have learned a lot. But now I just feel as though I am mismanaging what God gave me…and that is NOT what I want to do in any area of my life. It's hard to keep all the plates in the air.

So…the question deems to be asked:

What if Im hanging on to something that has already died? 

What if God is doing a new thing and I am missing the cue because I am still stuck focusing on trying to resuscitate something that is not meant to be resuscitated, but that possibly wants to be born into something new?

At that crossroads a decision has to be made, but what do you do when you don't know whether to resuscitate or not to resuscitate? That is the question!

...I sit on the floor and sulk. Which doesn't help either the decision or myself. (or anybody else for that matter).

There are so many things I feel changing in my life and I want to follow the Lord, yet I feel like I'm dragging along the weight of a dead animal with me. It stinks, it's heavy, it has no purpose anymore and its preventing me from running the race He set out for me with efficiency. 

So at what point do you Let go of what was, for the what could be to be born.

In the midst of writing this God revealed to me that it's not our job to resuscitate… it's our job to place it into His hands and trust Him with the outcome. 

When you let go of something, God can resurrect it…OR He can give you something else with new life.

But He won't do any of that while we are still holding onto it for dear life. 

There is a new season for everything…Let go of the old one and keep watch for the new.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-11

A Time for Everything

"For everything there is a season,
a time for every activity under heaven.

A time to be born and a time to die.
A time to plant and a time to harvest.

A time to kill and a time to heal.
A time to tear down and a time to build up.

A time to cry and a time to laugh.
A time to grieve and a time to dance.

A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
A time to embrace and a time to turn away.

A time to search and a time to quit searching.
A time to keep and a time to throw away.

A time to tear and a time to mend.
A time to be quiet and a time to speak.

A time to love and a time to hate.
A time for war and a time for peace.

What do people really get for all their hard work?  I have seen the burden God has placed on us all. Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time."

A time to tear down, and a time to build up… I think this is a season of tearing down old ways of doing things, and waiting for God to show me new ways of building up.

I'm not giving up, I'm just letting go of what was, for what could be so that God gets to choose whether to resuscitate or not and then make it beautiful, in it's own time.